I walked up to the bimah
heart pumping, almost audibly, in my chest
I put down my siddur
touched the place where we were to begin
gripped the handles and quivering slightly
chanted, "borchu es H" hamevorach"

Moments later, the reading was over,
I had said my first bracha l'vatela
and I was worrying about the d'var Torah
I was expected to give later that day

I'm not comfortable with emotional displays
so when faced with a situation that goes beyond
my ability to continue acting like I have myself under control
I can't handle it.
I wanted to crawl into a hole this shabbos
hide from the mazel tovs, the "honors"
and just start the busy work of keeping myself "right" with H"

But thanks be to k'lal Israel,
for you have treated me a like a king
and I will work at repaying you
with learning, chesed, and tzedakah

And that's the last thing I'll say about it
like I said:
I'm not comfortable with emotional displays