Post-Mortem

for most of my life
I have felt guilty
that I never honestly cried over my relatives' deaths
instead sqeezing out tears
by imagining nuclear war
pictures of the Holocaust

I often wonder how I'd feel
if this person
or that person
died suddenly, without warning
Would I cry, rant, rave
beat the walls in anger;
and rent my clothes?

or would history repeat itself
passivity my only reaction

i don't make friends well
sure, there are people I socialize with
talk to daily, and in the past, date
but it pains me to admit
that all too often I barely connect
skimming the tips of the relationship
ben adom l'chaveiro

I want to change that